Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales – Not great but a little better

I’ve been busy, OK? Not a lot of time to keep the six people that read these blogs/reviews (that’s right, I’ve gained a couple of readers in the last year or two) up to date on some of the latest films. But it’s summer don’t you know – “blockbuster” season – and time to grab the steady or the whole family and go see some tremendously-average action film, be mildly entertained, and promise yourself, as you refill your jumbo popcorn bucket (butter throughout), that you’re going to see something a bit weightier next time. So, if you’re into that all-American tradition, Dead Men Tell Know Tales is just the ticket. And if you’re an easy-to-please sort of summer movie going person like me, you may even find Dead Men to be slightly better than tremendously average.  

It wasn’t all about the summer-blockbuster tradition with me though – I had some ulterior motives for going. After following Pirates star Johnny Depp’s downward spiral into his own personal Devil’s Triangle these last few years – money woes, failed marriage, sobriety issues - I was interested to see what type of Jack Sparrow the damaged star would produce. Turns out Depp’s latest version of Captain Jack is a near mirror image of the portrayer’s real life ­– Jack’s kind of a wreck – I mean, even a bigger wreck than we’re used to. We find Sparrow early in the film without a crew, without a sound sailing vessel, drunk and stupefied and so desperate for more that he trades his super natural guiding compass in for a bottle of rum. Trades the compass… can you believe it? Fortunately, Dead Men doesn’t rely solely on Captain Sparrow, nor Depp’s half-in performance, for its dynamism. The scene-sucker this time is the new bad guy; the mostly-dead, blood-drooling, Spanish Captain Salazar (and that’s a theta on the z mind you). There’s just nothing like a well-rendered villain to make you sit up in your IMAX recliner and take note. Salazar, played superbly by Spaniard Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men), grabs you right off the bat, in the quite-good opening scene, and proceeds to dominate the screen whenever he’s on it.   

Alas, the rest of the film is not as good as its opening frames. Dead Men moves on from the promising start in fits and spurts through a sometimes-confusing mouse-maze of old and new pirate lore: ships in bottles, voodoo witches, zombies, magic gems and the like. New faces Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites, Gods of Egypt), Will Turner’s (Orlando Bloom) son, and young astronomer Carina Smith (Kaya Scodelario, Maze Runner) traverse the littered gauntlet, entangled with Sparrow, Salazar, and good ‘ol Captain Barbosa in a quest for Poseidon’s Trident – an instrument so powerful it can break all curses. The mix of generations is fresh and gives a needed boost to Dead Men’s stream of old gags which occasionally miss their target; although Jack’s truly creative encounter with a spinning guillotine makes up for the several action and comedic whiffs. 

Although spotty, Dead Men is a recovery of sorts of the Pirates Franchise. It’s an above average summer romp and is arguably the best of the franchise since the first film. Geoffrey Rush’s Barbosa and Bardem’s Captain Zalazar are more than enough to fill the slight void openned by Depp’s below-average and forced portrayal of an aging Captain Jack (he seems to be impersonating himself impersonating Jack Sparrow). It’s still all tremendously average, but it’s familiar and fun and it’s summer time – so what the heck - 6 out of 10.