I’ve been busy, OK? Not a lot of time to keep the six people
that read these blogs/reviews (that’s right, I’ve gained a couple of readers in
the last year or two) up to date on some of the latest films. But it’s summer
don’t you know – “blockbuster” season – and time to grab the steady or the
whole family and go see some tremendously-average action film, be mildly entertained,
and promise yourself, as you refill your jumbo popcorn bucket (butter
throughout), that you’re going to see something a bit weightier next time. So,
if you’re into that all-American tradition, Dead
Men Tell Know Tales is just the ticket. And if you’re an easy-to-please sort
of summer movie going person like me, you may even find Dead Men to be slightly better than tremendously average.
It wasn’t all about the summer-blockbuster tradition with me
though – I had some ulterior motives for going. After following Pirates star Johnny Depp’s downward spiral
into his own personal Devil’s Triangle these last few years – money woes, failed
marriage, sobriety issues - I was interested to see what type of Jack Sparrow
the damaged star would produce. Turns out Depp’s latest version of Captain Jack
is a near mirror image of the portrayer’s real life – Jack’s kind of a wreck –
I mean, even a bigger wreck than we’re used to. We find Sparrow early in the
film without a crew, without a sound sailing vessel, drunk and stupefied and so
desperate for more that he trades his super natural guiding compass in for a
bottle of rum. Trades the compass… can you believe it? Fortunately, Dead Men doesn’t rely solely on Captain
Sparrow, nor Depp’s half-in performance, for its dynamism. The scene-sucker
this time is the new bad guy; the mostly-dead, blood-drooling, Spanish Captain
Salazar (and that’s a theta on the z mind you). There’s just nothing like a
well-rendered villain to make you sit up in your IMAX recliner and take note.
Salazar, played superbly by Spaniard Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men), grabs you right off the bat,
in the quite-good opening scene, and proceeds to dominate the screen whenever
he’s on it.
Alas, the rest of the film is not as good as its opening
frames. Dead Men moves on from the
promising start in fits and spurts through a sometimes-confusing mouse-maze of old
and new pirate lore: ships in bottles, voodoo witches, zombies, magic gems and
the like. New faces Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites, Gods of Egypt), Will Turner’s
(Orlando Bloom) son, and young astronomer Carina Smith (Kaya Scodelario, Maze
Runner) traverse the littered gauntlet, entangled with Sparrow, Salazar, and good
‘ol Captain Barbosa in a quest for Poseidon’s Trident – an instrument so powerful
it can break all curses. The mix of generations is fresh and gives a needed
boost to Dead Men’s stream of old gags which occasionally miss their target; although
Jack’s truly creative encounter with a spinning guillotine makes up for the several action and comedic whiffs.
Although spotty, Dead
Men is a recovery of sorts of the Pirates Franchise. It’s an above average
summer romp and is arguably the best of the franchise since the first film. Geoffrey
Rush’s Barbosa and Bardem’s Captain Zalazar are more than enough to fill the slight void openned by Depp’s below-average and forced portrayal of an aging Captain Jack (he seems
to be impersonating himself impersonating Jack Sparrow). It’s still all
tremendously average, but it’s familiar and fun and it’s summer time – so what
the heck - 6 out of 10.
